


Black Grey White Purple

by MurderRose



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexuality, Character Study, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:53:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25845364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MurderRose/pseuds/MurderRose
Summary: They all teased, joked that someday he would run out of love, but he knew he wouldn’t.  Had never.  Would never.  Could never.  How could he, when they were the best things that had ever happened to him?
Comments: 33
Kudos: 80
Collections: Challenge 1: Kidult





	Black Grey White Purple

**Author's Note:**

> Coming from a personal place so be kind.
> 
> Jeonghan's sexuality is his own business and this is just a fanwork.

Sometimes Jeonghan was very thankful for the fact that their group had a mostly soft image. Thankful for the fact that the most they were ever asked was “what’s your ideal type?” Thankful that Jihoon said things like “I imagined my love for my grandmother” as his inspiration for love songs. Thankful that they were actively encouraged to not have a love life.

Sometimes he curled into a knot on his bed and stroked his thumb over the ball of his ankle and let his mind drift, float into what it would be like if he was just like everyone else. He didn’t do that often, and never for long. Wallowing was dangerous when indulged.

It was one of the reasons he’d grown close to Jisoo so quickly. He was tactile like Jeonghan, reminded him of his sister with how he didn’t question what Jeonghan wanted, just let him take take take. Let him curl up beside him in bed when they only had a room full of beds to share, and again later, when Jeonghan pretended he was cold. Let him curl up beside him in bed even when he had no reason to. He’d just wrap an arm around him, pat his hip and tell him to “go back to sleep.”

He knew he was a lot. Had the texts from past friends of “you’re so high maintenance” and “if you’re like this with me I pity whoever you date”. He needed lots of attention. Needed the constant reassurance that he wasn’t too much, that he was enough, that he was loved. Had always needed it. Gave it out constantly. Told everyone that he loved them all the time, whether through cheesy gifs or stickers or just a plain, “I love you, Hyung loves you.” They all teased him for it, joked that someday he would run out of love, but he knew he wouldn’t. Had never. Would never. Could never. Lived for the moments when someone would end a phone call with a “love you”, kiss his cheek in thanks or say he was their favourite. Pulled it out of them over and over and over until they all did it without thinking. 

It was one of the reasons he’d grown so close to Seokmin. Seokmin and his gentle eyes and touches, and confidence, even though he’d never admit to any. Seokmin, who would just look at you and weigh your soul against a feather. Seokmin, who would listen to Jeonghan’s ‘Do you love me?’s and say ‘Yes’ with so much weight and sincerity and assurance that Jeonghan had to believe him. He’d imbue the words with so much belief and truth and honesty that Jeonghan would fill with bubbles, overflow with giggly happiness, and burst from the squishy feelings. 

Sometimes Jeonghan didn’t quite know what emotions he was feeling. Didn’t quite know what to do with what he felt when Jun manhandled him, or when Soonyoung grinned at him as if they could conquer the world. Didn’t quite know how to mesh Mingyu who tripped over his feet and made ramen with the Mingyu who held his waist and looked at him like he was made of gold. Or how to deal with the heat that trickled down his spine in ‘Fearless’ when Seungcheol and Jisoo caught him like he weighed nothing; sure and steady.

Jeonghan didn’t get embarrassed in the moment. Not often. Hours or days or years later, but not in the moment. So when they replayed his solo stage at a fanmeet, it was all he could do to stay on stage and not slink away, curl into a ball and blast Yun Ddan Ddan until his emotions balanced out. He cringed away, Seungcheol’s comfortingly heavy hand on his thigh, his quiet, “You’re okay, it’s fine” and Jeonghan’s own professionalism the only things keeping him on stage. He hadn’t really thought about the dance further than how it would be slippery like the music; had just been thinking about how Chan danced, how Jun moved, how Minghao swayed, and all the things that Soonyoung liked to put into the performance choreos. He knew it was sexual, but he didn’t. That wasn’t. That was the stage. It had been  _ ‘Purple _ Rose’ after all.

He still got confused. Got confused when Soonyoung's dance instructions were “move like you’re getting some” until Jun thrust into the ground in a mockery of what was wanted; or when the fans jumped on how he touched the members and took something sexual from it. He didn’t mean it that way, never meant it that way, often forgot that others did. Forgot that sexual attraction was something that people felt and not just something they sang about. Tried not to think about it too much ‘cause it made his head hurt; how people could just look at someone and think, yes I want to get naked and exchange bodily fluids with them, without knowing anything about them, and even then. 

It wasn’t that he didn’t understand. He understood. He filled the kitchen drawer with condoms and lube; he’d read more than he probably would have if sex interested him in an attempt to find something that he could see himself doing with someone and ended up as the hyung that people went to for answers. He could make sexual jokes and nod along in conversations, but he still didn’t get all the innuendos. He could play along but sometimes it felt like everyone else had gotten cue cards that he couldn’t read. Like sex was a subject he’d never been signed up for. He hated how sometimes his dongsaengs had to explain things to him; it made him feel like a naive child. 

But it was okay.

Nobody ever asked him to be more than he was. Never asked him to give more than he could. Never gave more than he could take. 

And like Seungcheol said, it’s okay.

The world is perfect with us just as we are. 

**Author's Note:**

> Love to Brooke for her very helpful feedback!
> 
> Find me on Twitter [@RoseEnDiamant](https://twitter.com/RoseEnDiamant) and CuriousCat [@MurderRose](https://curiouscat.qa/MurderRose).


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